Today's class was an emotional rollercoaster for me. From talking about body image to mean teachers. The biggest lesson I took from today's class was, don't be a jerk! Teachers also have an emotional responsibility to their students, and some of them do a terrible job with this. There is one teacher I still so vividly remember that almost got me sent me therapy.
He was my 12th grade Calculus teacher. I was in advanced math all through high school. I was good at it, not great. By my senior year I had realized that I wanted to be an English teacher, so I didn't really care so much about Calculus. But, I did the work, came to class, and I thought everything was just fine. It was senior year and I had a small case of senioritis.
One day, the period before Calculus, I had study hall with a friend who was in my class. We were really done with school by this point. Both of us knew where we were going to college, so high school felt kind of meaningless. We went into Calculus laughing about something we had been discussing. Throughout class we would look at each other and smile because we were having fun together the period before.
About ten minutes into class the teacher stops his lesson. He asks us if we know the material perfectly because we're having so much fun. He thought we were laughing at him. We definitely were not. Also, throughout the year he had repeatedly told us he wanted to retire (he was like 43). He was upset that we weren't as interested in calculus as he was. He blew up at us. Started yelling and then stopped teaching all together and sat at his desk.
The entire room was silent for 20 minutes. At the end of class I went up to him and apologized for the way I behaved, and told him why we were laughing. He said nothing. The next day in class he taught the lesson in 5 minutes, and sat at his desk. He was speaking rapidly and fuming the entire time. When he sat down the whole class stared at me.
It felt great. Not really. My cheeks burned and I started reading a book, my only defense mechanism. I went into class that day saying that everything would be okay because I apologized yesterday, and we can move on. I vowed to pay attention, and not even glance at anyone but him. He didn't give me the chance. One kid even asked him to slow down his lesson, and he refused.
After class I immediately started bawling, and went to tell the principal. I talked to the social worker for like an hour. I felt so guilty, like I had done something so wrong. But, thinking back on it now, he really should not have overreacted like that. And I was the bigger person who apologized. I acknowledged that I made a mistake, and I wanted to fix that. He never gave me the chance.
For the rest of the year I had such anxiety about Calculus. I never opened my mouth, I never looked at anyone but him. Even then I would usually cast my eyes downward because he frightened me. I even thought seriously about dropping the class. But, I felt like that would have given him a victory.
My dad sent him an email and I was so embarrassed. He signed it, "superintendent of schools," to be intimidating. He was so angry at my teacher for making me feel this way. He never once said another word to me. I killed him with kindness. I was also terrified though, so it was quiet kindness.
The whole school was talking about this, and everyone agreed that he was nuts. I often think about this time and want to start crying. He made me feel like I was worthless, and I couldn't forgive myself. I'm not even sure what I couldn't forgive myself for; having fun? Even the social worker agreed with my side of the story, and she talked to him. It didn't get any better.
I never hated math. My mom is a math teacher, and I always kind of enjoyed it. After this experience I never want to take another math class again. I'm almost afraid to. It's so amazing the impact a teacher can have on a student's emotions. To this day I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I vow to never make a student feel anywhere near this bad. I wish he knew how much impact it had on me, I'm not even sure he would care.
I was a student who always wanted to please her teachers. My whole school career, teachers loved me. It killed me that this man hated me. Absolutely crushed my will to try. He didn't like kids, especially kids that didn't love math. I must've pushed his buttons a little bit too hard that day, and to this day I am feeling the effects of that. Have empathy for your students, and don't be a jerk! You never know how big of an impact you'll have on a student.
