Tonight's class really hit home on the topic of body image. This is kind of a personal story, but I think it's very relatable to all girls going through that awkward stage. In 6th grade I weighed 185lbs. I absolutely hated my body, and it made me hate myself. In school I would sit with my feet off of the floor so that my thighs wouldn't expand as big on the seat. I never, ever raised my hand because I thought it would bring attention to my body.
Everyday, I wore this tank top under my clothes. It was sort of like a girdle that you could wear under regular shirts. I thought it sucked me a little bit. I wouldn't go out in public without this on, and it got hot. In the summer I would sweat so hard with it on, but I had to wear it. I hysterically cried in the dressing room of Kohl's trying on plus size clothing on more occasions that I count.
Everyday to go out into public was a struggle. It was exhausting constantly thinking about my body. Not 10 minutes went by while I was at school that I didn't think about people judging how I looked. Thank god for Mrs. Hanes. She was my English teacher, and she let me eat lunch in her room everyday. We would talk about books, and I would feel safe eating my lunch in there. I didn't really feel comfortable eating in front of anyone.
Books were my escape. I read about one every night. I needed to get out of my own body, and be transferred into someone else'e. Someone who I thought was better, and prettier than me. Even if it was just for a few hours. I'm sure so many other girls felt the same way as me during middle school. As a teacher, I want to be Mrs. Hanes. I want to have my room open, and my mind available for all of my students who are struggling internally.
In 7th grade I started working out. I was allowed to go on weight watchers by my doctor, and my parents bought an elliptical. By the end of 8th grade I had lost 30lbs. I felt so much better. But, I still wasn't as skinny as a lot of the girls in my class. I was constantly comparing myself to them. A part of me still hated my body. I still didn't participate in class, but at least I wasn't as sad.
Throughout high school I struggled with hating my body, but it was bearable. In 12th grade I completed a half marathon. It is the biggest accomplishment I have ever completed in my life. And since then, I have had a more positive outlook on myself. There are still times when I fall into the hole of hate. However, it is not like it once was.
Social media showed me what I was supposed to look like. But, I know that my body probably won't ever look like that. If I can run a half-marathon and still not look like that, I probably never will. I have come to peace with the fact that I am healthy now. I love working out, it's one of my passions. I want to be strong, not skinny. It's a different mentality than the one that I used to have. I am no longer trying to lose weight necessarily, I am just trying to be fit. In this process I am learning to love my body for what it is.
I want my students to learn to love theirs too. I want to incorporate a unit on body image and sensitivity, to get all of my students thinking. I want to share my own story with them so that they can feel comfortable talking to me about their own feelings with themselves. Maybe it's not their weight that they struggle with, maybe it's money. No matter what it is that is making them feel worthless, I want to help. Be there for your students. Sometimes all they need is an ear to talk to.
